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This is a public service announcement.

The people need to be made aware of a threat that could be, quite suddenly, moaning and scratching at their doorways. I’m talking, of course, about Zombies. For too long the government has tried unsuccessfully to keep their existence a secret. Well, no longer, GirlyNerds! The walking dead are a real menace, and a probable hazard to your well-being. I am going to give you the basics here to ensure that you protect your most prized possession: your brain!

This post will teach you the basics:

How to Identify a Zombie

• How to kill a Zombie
• Household Weapons of Mass Destruction
• How to Zombie-proof Your Home
• Be sure to read closely as you may have already witnessed encounters without even knowing it.

Is it grey, smelly, and munching on your next door neighbor’s femur? Then, my friend, you have a Zombie on your hands!

Zombies come in a variety of shapes and types, and it is important to be able to identify each kind.


Undead Zombie


Undead zombies are, quite literally, the walking dead. They are reanimated corpses that crave human flesh. Undead zombies are easy to spot because of their slow movements and their continuing decomposition. Undead zombies do not feel pain. Their bodies can be maimed, they can lose limbs, but they will still drag themselves toward the nearest living human. Undead zombies are easy to kill on their own, but extremely lethal in large groups.


Fast Zombie


Fast Zombies are very similar to traditional, undead Zombies. Except for the fact that they are freaking fast! Like, “the last man on earth just spritzed his abs with Axe cologne” kinda fast. Fast Zombies often tackle and then devour their prey. They are much harder to escape. Fast Zombies are often very sneaky. If they do not sense prey, they may move sluggishly. However, once a human is in range, they can sprint after them with incredible speed.


Infected (or Diseased) Zombie


Although this imposter may look like a Zombie–it may even eat brains like a Zombie–it is not necessarily a true Zombie. Infected Zombies are not the living dead. They are regular people suffering from some sort of strange virus or disease. Thusly, Infected Zombies will look different than regular Zombies: they may be feverish or flushed; they may vomit infected blood on victims; and they will not decompose over time.

If any of these describe your ex, yes, totally: it is HIS loss!


How to Kill a Zombie

warning: please make sure it is a Zombie FIRST!

There are two ways to kill a Zombie. You must either A) destroy the head or B) destroy the brain. A direct head shot will almost always kill a Zombie. Other good methods are decapitation, squeezing the head in a vice, or bludgeoning the head in with a blunt object.


A Few Household Weapons

You may not believe it, but the average American household contains several objects that make excellent Zombie-killing weapons.


Hammer: A hammer makes an excellent Zombie-killing tool. The flat end can be used for blunt force trauma. The sharp end is perfect for gouging eye balls. Also, the hammer is a useful tool in any carpentry situation.

Crow Bar: Crow Bars are also great weapons! Longer crowbars allow you to keep your precious, mortal body further from the Zombie while still bashing its brains in. Crow Bars are also helpful in opening jammed doors and whacking annoying comrades on the head.

Flammables: This is truly a last resort. If you must vacate your safe hold, setting anything on fire or making Molotov Cocktails is a great tactic.


How to Zombie Proof Your Home

If there’s one thing Zombies can’t stand, it’s heights (and taxes… but not in that exact order)! Zombies do not climb well. So wherever you are, your best bet is to go UP! Go to the roof, attic, or second floor (or third floor, Richie Rich) of your home.


Stockpile as much non-perishable food as possible! If you live in a two story house or an apartment building, DESTROY THE STAIRS. According to Zombie Scholar Max Brooks, “Get up the staircase, then destroy it” is one of the top 10 Zombie Survival tips! Remember, you will need a source of water! The average person can survive almost 2 weeks without food, but only mere days without water. You will also want weapons and supplies handy, if you must abandon your home.


Another important aspect of Zombie-proofing your home is to weed out the infected. Was anyone bitten? Did anyone ingest any Zombie bodily fluids? Did any weirdos succumb to Necrophilia? If so, KICK THEM OUT! He may be your brother now, but when he is slurping your mom’s intestines like spaghetti, you may want to deny the family resemblance anyway. This is often the hardest lesson would-be survivors must learn. Even harder to learn… without your brain.

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Keep this blog post handy in the event of a Zombie Outbreak. It may save your life. For further (and better) writing on this subject, see Max Brook’s Complete Zombie Survival Guide.

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